🔗 Share this article

As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It irritates my family and friends and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through gradual exposure, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that professional help might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and worry.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This process will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.